Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Five Jerseys on NHL Shop That Make No Sense

Most hockey fans have team-related gear in their homes. Whether it is t shirts, hats, jerseys, scarves, flags, pucks, or even underwear, everyone who takes fandom (too) seriously has something from the NHL's official shop page. Heck, I have a Detroit Red Wings t-shirt for every day of the week as well as two home jerseys.

Unfortunately, not everything on the shop page is good. Check out this article written by "Puck Daddy" about creepy gnomes that were/are on the site. Yes, those are official NHL gnomes. Is there even a demand for these creepy buggers? I digress because the purpose of this article is to make fun of some of the dumbest jersey concepts that are for sale on the 'Shop. Without any further diatribe about the "sinking Red Wings" or injuries or blah blah blah playoff streak in jeopardy, here's a fun look at some terrible NHL jerseys for sale!

5. Reebok Accelerator Premier Jersey

I don't know what possessed someone to run a Red Wings logo through an old fax machine and then slap it on an all-black jersey, but here we are wishing we could carve our eyeballs out. The Microsoft Office '98 WordArt numbers are the cherry on top of this crap sundae. I wonder how many of these are floating around the real world. If you bought this, you are either colour blind or you already own every other Red Wing jersey ever made and just needed this one to complete the collection. Either way, I feel bad money was spent on this. Does anyone else see weird stripes on the arms and at the bottom occasionally? I feel like sometimes they are there but then they aren't.

4. Super Discounts on Jerseys of Former Team Players

This one hits me a little too close to home, but the fact is that sometimes players leave your favorite team. Like a scorned lover posting Facebook pictures because you forgot to unfriend them, this one burns your eyes in a bittersweet way. On one hand, it's still a good looking jersey that's on sale for a ludicrous price. On the other hand, F*%k that player forever for leaving for greener/bluer pastures. Too soon, NHL Shop. Too soon.

3. Fashion Replica Jerseys

This might be the laziest thing I've ever seen in my life, and I live with myself. It's just a team logo with monochrome old-school Pittsburgh Penguin stripes and numbers high on the shoulder. What is fashionable about this f*%king thing? Don't piss away your cash on this thing, just buy a real jersey. Even if it is fifty bucks cheaper, you can't save money on protecting yourself from every day ridicule from your knowledgeable puck buddies. This is some lazy stuff.

2. Veterans Day Practice V-Neck Jersey with Digital Camo

In the field of "Most Likely to Appear on Duck Dynasty" we have the camo jersey. Again, NHL shop offends us by running off a black and white Detroit RED Wing logo, then slaps it on camo. I don't even want to call this lazy. It's stupid. Even worse is that it's a "Veteran's Day" jersey but there's no other goodwill gesture like perhaps donating proceeds towards funding for retired veterans. It's a cheap cash in on a holiday that I thought was meaningful. Barf.

1. "Authentic Edge Jersey"

This one's bad just for the logo on the front of it, but there's more to this choice. Here we have a jersey whose perks read as follows (courtesy of the jersey's page):

  • 100% Double-knit polyester
  • Authentic tie-down "fight" strap attached inside back of jersey
  • Decorated in the team colors
  • Imported
  • NHL® Shield patch is sewn on the bottom front of the collar fabric insert
  • Officially licensed
  • Reinforced stitching on all seams and hems

Well, if I wasn't sold on "Imported" now I'm hot and bothered under the Lycratalic collar. I'm still trying to figure out why this is over $120 more than a standard jersey at $300+ a pop. I wouldn't wish that robbery on even a Maple Leafs fan. The price and the missing double stripe at the bottom make this feel like an empty, meaningless purchase. Does anyone NEED a fight strap on their jersey? Presumably they would only ever wear this at home among friends or maybe a game at the ACC. Do people get assaulted frequently at NHL games and have their jerseys yanked over their heads?

These are all pretty nonsensical, terrible sweaters. Have a jersey story of your own? Share it in the comment section below!

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